An American's Statement to the World:
Hi, World, how's it going? Been a while. I know our current leader doesn't call you much, but we really do like you. In fact, we're a lot like you. Really. We've got Hindus, and Muslims, and Christians, and Jews, and people who believe in Body Thetans and the healing power of crystals. We've got Irish Buddhists, Japanese Baptists, and Jewish atheists who are trying to find a nice Jewish boy to settle down with. We've even got women who make a living travelling all over the place telling other women to stay home. All sorts of crazy shit. You'd love it over here. I know we told a lot of you to stay home, but you know we didn't mean it. Ya'll do most of the work around here anyway, except the stuff that involves typing (and that ain't really work).
I know that some of the stuff we've been doing hasn't been explained real well, so I thought I'd take a shot. Listen to me real good, now. We, the United States of America, don't want to kill you or anyone else, nor do we want to piss you or anyone else off (well, maybe France). We'd prefer that everyone just keep sending us their smartest students and hardest workers while buying our soft drinks and watching our action movies. However, we are going to defend ourselves against attack and take steps to keep ourselves from being attacked. We also reserve the right to stick up for people who are getting slaughtered for no good reason at all. Don't expect any different. Ever.
If we have to defend ourselves, people are going to die. Some of those people won't deserve it. That's just the nature of warfare. It's real hard to sort the good guys from the bad guys when the bad guys are trying to keep from being sorted. So if we end up killing someone who didn't deserve it or stationing troops near someone's holy place, we're genuinely not trying to be insensitive. We're trying to do the best we can in an imperfect world. Believe me, we don't like it when innocent people die. It's not our nature.
You might mention to your leaders that you don't want to get caught in any crossfire, so they need to make sure they don't kill any Americans ('cause if they do kill any of us, there's sure to be crossfire). If they seem intent on killing Americans anyway, you might try shooting your leaders in the head with an AK-47 or throwing them in prison. I know the Rumanians are awfully glad they shot theirs, and the Serbians don't seem too upset that theirs are in jail. I know you don't always have that option, and you may be stuck with the scumbags you've got. If so, our condolences. But your beef is with them, not with us. Getting all upset because we have troops in the desert miles and miles from anyplace you really care about or because we let women drive cars and hold jobs isn't going to make up for the fact that you can't find a decent job yourself.
On the matter of women, you really need to learn from our mistakes (not you Scandinavia, you're doing fine; and we're big fans of that casual nudity thing ya'll got going). We treated women badly the whole time we've been here (not as badly as some of you do, but badly enough) until we realized something very, very important. Women are just like men, except smaller and prettier. Yes, I know there's some differences in the plumbing, but their brains work about the same. They have the same ability to make intelligent decisions (and stupid ones) as we guys do. If we have souls (a matter still open to debate), then so do they. They aren't unclean, nor are they temptresses sent here by Satan (well, maybe those girls down in Padre, but not the rest of 'em). They also work hard and come up with some really nifty ideas. Honest. Think we came up with all this shit ourselves? If you want to catch up with our standard of living, you're gonna have to let the women have lives of their own. It just won't work any other way. Did I mention they're prettier?
You should also really chill out about people of different religions, different tribes, and different races. I know we Americans have got to work on this stuff ourselves, but we're trying (most of us, anyway). We've got one country with all the world's religions, all the world's tribes, and all the world's races in it at once. It may be confusing at times, but we've always got someplace different to eat or a new name to mispronounce. I know our history on this stuff sucks, but we're getting a lot better at it. You should try it, really. I'm just bringing up this stuff because it might keep you from starting a war that we get dragged into. There's enough real reasons to get in arguments. We don't need to go making up new ones because you're hair is straighter than your neighbor's, or 'cause his ancestors came from someplace else 500 years ago. If we try real hard, I think we can all get along. Hey, if a Vandy fan can date a UT fan, anything's possible.
So, remember. We don't want to kill anyone and we'll try hard not to, but if we have to defend ourselves we will. Don't think that any bad stuff that may happen is intentional. It's not. We're just as likely to fuck up as anyone else, we just do it with bigger ordnance. And if there's any way to interpret what we say in a way that doesn't make you angry or sad, that's the way we meant it. Honest.
We'd also like to apologize for not learning your languages. We bought the tapes and have been meaning to get around to it, but the game was on and a friend came over with some beer. Next thing we knew it was 3am and we were on our way to Padre. You know how it is.