Notes to a Few People
To
Max Cleland:
I'd like to thank you for your service to our country. Most people would've packed it in when they got injured as badly as you did in Vietnam (I'd probably be busy drinking my disability check if it happened to me). Others would've turned their back on America as hopelessly fucked and gone off to live their lives without a thought for their fellow man. You didn't. You devoted your life to making this nation a better place, and for this I thank you.
You deserved better than what happened to you in Georgia. Saxby Chambliss ran a chickenshit campaign and some of his supporters are even worse. Well,
fuck them. Millions of us admire you for what you've done and what you've strived for. I'm sure you'll get through this, as you have other trying times in life, with class and style. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate the work you've done, and will always be a fan. Next time you're in Nashville, the beers are on me.
To
Saxby Chambliss:
You're a cowardly piece of shit, and I know that
posterity won't be kind to you or your reputation. With any luck, your grandkids will be smart enough to change their name so people won't know that you're related.
To
Lamar Alexander:
Remember back when you were Governor, and you thought spending more money on schools and cleaning up the environment were really good things? Well, we, the people of Tennessee, would like you to keep that in mind while you're in DC. That's the kind of stuff we care about, too. That's why we split our tickets and elected both you and Phil. We don't want people like Van Hilleary running our government, so please don't act like him once you're in office.
Come back to the center where you belong.
I know you really, really want to be President one day, but it ain't gonna happen. That day has passed you by, and your Party's gotten much more conservative than you are. They picked you because you were electable, not because they liked you better (Bryant is much closer to the soul of the TN Republican Party). No matter how much you pander to the wingnuts, you'll never be one of them. And they know it. You'll never be President, but that's okay. The best you can do, and it could be pretty damned fine, is be a really good Senator for Tennessee. That would be enough, wouldn't it?
To
Phil Bredesen:
Please stop TDOT before they pave the whole fucking state. The rest of the government's starving, and they're repaving roads that don't have a single crack or pothole. How about taking TDOT's whole budget and giving it to the schools and hospitals for a couple years. They work so damned slow that we'd never know they weren't just taking a long break. You could close a lane on I-40 every weekend for no discernable reason, and the illusion would be complete. Our budget problems would be fixed and you'd be reelected by acclamation. Just give it some thought, okay? I won't tell anyone if you don't.
To
Hillary Clinton:
Now do you understand? The only state voting on Tuesday that would've elected you to the Senate is Massachusetts (although I'm sure California would like anyone as Governor who isn't Davis or Simon). None of those swing states would've picked you. None of them. And you'd need most of them to get elected. There's an outside chance you might win the nomination, but
you'll never be in the White House again. Sorry, but it's the truth. Better to save your energy and be the best Senator for New York that you can be.
To
Gray Davis:
Now do you understand?
Even your own state doesn't like you very much. You ran a well-financed campaign against a boob in a heavily Democratic state, and you still came in under 50%. Even the
Armed Liberal ended up voting Green. They just don't like you, and they don't like your skybox form of
fundrasi governing either. You wouldn't even get the nomination. Just save yourself the embarrassment and everyone else the money. On the plus side, baseball will need a new commissioner soon, and they love people who know how to suck up to the money.
To
Dick Gephardt:
Life isn't fair, and it has dealt you a cruel hand. You were born with no eyebrows and
people with no eyebrows just give us the willies. Sorry about all the expectations. If you'd been born different, life might've turned out better for you (you might even be President today). But you weren't, and it didn't. You're smarter and harder working than most of the people who get the top job, but they were born with eyebrows and you weren't. That's just life. May I suggest a copy of SimCity?
To
Tom Daschle and
John Edwards:
Forget higher office for a while,
it's time to start running for reelection. Neither of you is a lock, and we don't need another candidate with troubles on the home front. Both of you are young. Just spend the next few years making yourselves beloved, and think about 2008 or 2012.
To
Joe Biden and
Chris Dodd:
Exactly who the fuck do you think you're kidding?
To
Joe Lieberman:
I'm sure you mean well, but
a wish-washy hall monitor-type is not exactly what we want right now (or, to be perfectly honest, ever). If you'd gone for broke in 2000, you'd be in Al's old office right now dreaming of 2008, but you decided to play it safe. You'll never get the nomination, but you could do a lot of harm going for it. Save everyone the hassle, and just keep shilling for those banks and insurance companies. Maybe deregulation will get hip again some day?
To
John Kerry,
Bob Graham, and Dick Durbin:
None of you will get blamed for anything bad that happened this week, and you may end up leading the principled opposition to some really ugly shit. Stay tough on national defense and hang the oil companies, HMO's, lobbyists, and Pat Robertson around Bush's neck and make it stick. In two years,
one of you might be the man. Just make sure you've got all your personal shit squared away, those assholes will take every little thing and make it huge.
To
Howard Dean,
Tom Vilsack, and
John Kitzhaber:
We like electing governors. Ya'll guys are looking like the best of the lot. Call me, we'll do lunch.
To
Jennifer Granholm:
It's too damned bad.
You coulda been a contenda.
To
Pete Fitzgerald:
Might want to start scouting Chicago for a cushy law firm job.
Illinois is looking pretty damned Democratic come 2004 (especially if Durbin's on the ticket).
To
Pete Wilson:
You really fucked your Party in California, didn't you?
Call me, we'll do lunch.
To
Doug Forrester:
Well, at least we know
they really didn't want Bob Toricelli.
To
Bob Byrd:
You know the rules of the Senate better than anyone, you don't want to be President, you don't have to worry about reelection, and you know a lot of the shit Bush has planned is bad for America, so
obstruct when ready.
To
My Fellow Americans:
May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, and may you be in heaven an hour before the Devil even knows you're dead.